What are you thinking about?

if we're meant to live, what do we live it for?

2:54 pm, 21th june 2019 So, i've been wondering about the human heart. Is there such a thing as ''emotional organ pain''? There's a book called All the bright places by Jennifer Niven. A friend lend it to me, and i think that was unexpectedly a mistake. It really got me inside my mind - Post-Book Blues just might be a real thing. For someone as twisted and broken as me, made it even more so depressing. It didn't help that i looked at my new e-mails that brought me awful news. Say, is there such a thing as a perfect place and time to die?

5.11 am, 22th june 2019 I woke up at 3 am. I couldn't have been more disappointed. Yesterday, i already knew that i wouldn't be able to fall asleep - so i took two sleeping pills. But they did anything but help. I then wrote my thoughts down, listened to some music and watched the moon, wondering why it was still there and how many people were looking at it. I have this thing where i can see the Aura of things. When i focus on them long enough, i start to see different colors around them which ultimately shows the mood. Black Aura means, i quote:

  1. A black aura is usually a sign the person is holding on to powerful negative emotions. This emotional response blocks the flow of chi energy throughout the chakras energy system.
  2. Harboring negative thoughts and feelings can taint your aura with black steaks and if it goes unchecked, it can grow and spread.
  3. Anger and hatred can transform positive chakra energy into negative energy and blacken your aura.
  4. The darkening of the aura can also reveal a person unwilling to forgive.
  5. A black aura can show up in different regions of your body. This type of darkening in the aura is usually where disease resides within your body.
So, what does that mean? The moon is a human with fragile emotions just like us? I have to think this through later, when i have my coffee. I can't stop thinking about the book. It feels empty. Not only that, i related so much to the character who Spoiler; died. I mean, i get it. No matter how good things seem, no matter how much love you receive, sometimes it feels like death is the only way out. I wonder why drowning is a small number of suicides. I'd actually prefer it over jumping off a building. Why? For the simple reason, although i fear the water, you feel yourself end.You breathe in your last breaths and then it's over.Jumping might be a lot more uncomfortable, considering once you hit the ground, your organs and bones are gonna be smashed.And maybe it wasn't high enough or because of some miracle, you end up living longer - in agony. But in the end, i'd just want it to be lethal, fatal and quick. Sometimes doe, i realize how actually afraid i am of death. Before i fall asleep every night, i can feel my heart pounding loud and clear. It makes me so uncomfortable because i know that it can stop beating any moment. I started to grab my throat with both of my hands whenever i ask and panic myself:''am i really still alive? I'm complicated, i know.